My apologies if you find yourself singing a bit of Usher the rest of the afternoon… but I suppose there are worse things.
A new friend – one I learn more about and appreciate more each day – posted the most beautiful words on her blog the other day. In it, she urged us to “Keep it real”. She shared things about herself that she usually hides from view. We all do that, don’t we? So in a moment of inspiration and borrowed bravery, I give you the first of my “Confessions” series.
I’ll be honest before I even start – I have no idea how many of them will be sort of “phone it in” moments and how many will be terrifying for me. I really struggle with this, though; I live my life walking this tightrope between being real (because I understand it to be of the utmost importance) and proving to others – and myself – that I have it all together. Hey, I think that was my first confession. It still counts, even if some of you already know it to be true ;)
2. I struggle immensely with anger – often at nothing in particular. It’s a relatively new phenomenon; I wasn’t an angry kid at all. It’s not frustration with someone who cuts me off on the highway, we’re talking about rage (and not just of the on-the-road variety). There have been times I’ve had to remove myself from my kids, even as they were tiny, for fear of actually hurting someone. Times I had to stop myself from spanking (no debates about that ever-controversial decision here, this isn’t the post ;)) because I realized I was just “hitting”, not disciplining. Times I’ve screamed at people so intensely I could see real fear on their faces. I hate myself in those times.
3. I have multiple projects in the works right now, because I’m afraid to commit to any of them. Mostly, I’m afraid other people will judge me for even trying.
4. I hate cooking. I mostly do it because other people would judge us if we only ever dined out. Yes I know the health benefits, the budget benefits, etc. I don’t care. I’d likely never cook if it were not frowned upon to consume fast food most days of your life. (Side note: I thank God for a husband that actually enjoys it when he has time!)
5. In a similar vein, I only stopped going to tanning beds because I was already seeing more wrinkles on my face than on that of my mother (seriously – flawless skin, that woman), who very obviously has some years on me. Skin cancer is a huge deal and I don’t mean to make light of it – but I didn’t care about that. The quiet relaxation and phototherapy and subtle bronze glow (look at me – you know I never achieved dark and leathery ;)) was more important. The only thing that stopped me from being vain and selfish was being a different kind of vain. At least I stopped?
6. Apparently I don’t always make rational decisions, despite being obsessed with logic and justice.
7. I cried for days when I found out my third child was going to be a boy. I had always seen myself as a “girl mom”. Despite already having two, I never wanted a boy. As every “boy mom” told me then, it’s something that is inexplicably wonderful. My son interacts with me differently than my girls ever did, and I can’t get enough of him. For the record, I always knew I’d like him eventually ;) but that didn’t stop me from feeling a major disconnect after finding out. I hope he never holds it against me.
8. I also never loved being pregnant. The first time around I had a legitimately awful time, with nonstop vomiting from announcement to delivery, bone issues, liver issues, the worst case of PUPPP my OB had ever seen, preterm labor, bedrest, blah blah blah. It sucked. But the second time? It was a breeze. Seriously, so easy until recurrent joint problems right at the end and yet? I didn’t love it. I loved feeling my kids move in my belly, but I could have taken that for a time or two each and been over the rest.
Numbers 7 and 8 often make people mad. How dare I feel that way about such blessings?! Isn’t it only important that the baby is healthy?! Don’t I know some people can’t have babies?! Pregnancy is a time of radiant glows and puppies and rainbows! The outrage goes on and on, which brings me to the last of my confessions for this round.
9. It makes me crazy when people assume that just because some of us are willing to speak out about certain things that it gives them a right to fill in the gaps about us. Yes, as a matter of fact I do know some people can’t have babies. More than you probably realize, thank you, but that’s a story for another time. Yes I do know how insanely wonderful a blessing children are – regardless of their gender, hair color, temperament, and even diagnoses. Becoming a mother was one of very few things I always wanted as much as life itself.
The truth is though, when we make these snap judgements – or perhaps worse, when we are afraid of speaking the truth about our lives and our feelings – we do a grave disservice to every other person we know. I remember a conversation I had with a dear friend of mine about pregnancy a long time ago. Sara gave me “permission” not to love it, saying that she didn’t either. Nobody had ever spoken such things to her, so she felt like a failure and even a terrible mother-to-be for being “the only one” that ever disliked pregnancy. That stuck with me. We are almost never “the only ones” – but few are brave enough to share their experiences. I suppose that’s why I am writing here in the first place.
It’s not just about pregnancy, of course. It’s about all the facades we put on, the walls we put up, that make others feel inferior. The one-upping and the “I know exactly how you feel”s. The truth is, even if we find ourselves in a similar situation, we can’t know exactly how someone else feels. The way they are wired, their coping skills, their support network, every experience that has made them who they are today – those things affect how they feel. So stop it already, and let’s just support one another a little more.
You know a list of 9 things is going to drive me nuts! What would you add that people have really related to, once you “confessed”?
Heather Patterson
I love this! I’m so thankful to have met you through the STARTexp. I can’t wait to one day give you a big hug and drink coffee with you and laugh about all the ways we are so alike. First off, I sort of called dibs on Usher about 10 years ago so I am totally singing “Confessions” in my head and out loud. Second, I totally hear you about the whole pregnancy thing. Not a great time for me. A great outcome, of course, but something I would sign up to do just for fun, never!
Jennifer Kaufman
Heather, that coffee date will be wonderful someday! :) Thankful for you!
Lisa
Thank you for your honesty. You are certainly not alone in your confessions. I believe most people want to be real but many of us are people pleases. It’s hard to be real if you feel that something you say or do might offend someone. Anger…I remember many nights when you were crying in bed and I just couldn’t stand it any more. I would be quite angry myself. I am thankful for your dad who would step in and take over. You said it in one of your confessions, we are wired differently. For some people that would never cause anger or frustration. That wasn’t the case with me and it isn’t the case with you. So in those times we lean on The Lord to give us wisdom and to calm our nerves. I honestly don’t understand why you don’t commit to some of your many irons in the fire. You are very talented and should pursue this dreams, just maybe not all at once. My head spins thinking about all that you have going on. Sometimes I think if you simplified a little you would be happier. You can’t be satisfied because you have so much going on and cannot devote enough time to each of them that you would like to. I wish you could live your life without worrying about others judging you. Oh what freedom you would have. Praying for you to be able to do that! As you know, I am not a big fan of cooking. If I could afford it I would eat out everyday. Of course I am not as health conscious as I should be. You are a beautiful woman without a tan and I am thankful that you don’t go to the tanning bed so I don’t have to worry about skin cancer. I wasn’t a fan of pregnancy. I loved feeling the baby move and of course the outcome but that’s it!
There, I have responded to the confessions. Now I feel better. Looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow. We love you very much!
Jennifer Kaufman
Mama, I’m the queen of simplifying – I just simplify the things that don’t matter but still have so many that do! Besides, you know I’m most fulfilled when I’m challenged, and have learned a lot about saying no to things over the years! ;)
J Buesch
You know I hate pregnancy ;-) In fact, I agree with #1, 2, 3, 6, 7, and 9 :-) Love this!
Jennifer Kaufman
I miss you, J!
rachelbodine
This is great! I’m not pregnant, nor have I ever been, but I have a fear of pregnancy! Not the actual being pregnant part (although that does sound slightly terrifying), but the fear of all the people giving me unsolicited “advice”..(read: things i HAVE to do or else my child will grow up to be a murderer.) No, I don’t want to breast feed. Yes, I know the benefits, no I still don’t want to do it. I will more than likely spank my child. (I was, and I am flipping fantastic!) And yeah, while I know it is totally your right to breast feed in public, and it’s natural, and I will never tell you NOT to do it…it still kinda grosses me out! *confessions over*….*starts singing Usher*
Laura
I have several confessions of my own and while I’m not afraid to voice them I’m afraid to hurt people’s feelings at a time where I need to be encouraging them. You rock #startner I think you are a rockstar for saying it how it is and not being afraid to tell us that life isn’t perfect.
Jennifer Kaufman
Thanks, Laura! Yeah, some confessions we do have to temper as we figure out how best to interact with people that drive us crazy! ;)
Polly
I completely appreciate your honesty! My biggest pet peeve is fake people. People who pretend everything is perfect all the time or complain only then to say something positive that you know they don’t mean at that moment. Hate it! I never really struggled with anger until I moved overseas and now it seems like it’s a constant struggle. I feel like I constantly apologize to my wonderful husband for my outburst, which he seems to take the brunt of. I’m working on it, trying to memorize scripture, trying to stop myself before it starts, but it’s hard. I really appreciate knowing that I’m not the only Christian wife that struggles with that!
Jennifer Kaufman
Polly, thanks so much for reading! Thank God for husbands who love and support us in spite of ourselves sometimes, yes? :) You’re absolutely right – memorizing scripture is probably the most effective way to combat most things!
Renee
Enjoyed your list….I can relate. I had a son and daughter when I became pregnant with my baby boy. I was soooo disappointed my whole pregnancy. If I had to be pregnant, at least let it be a girl…. But he turned out to be the love of my life. I adore him. Amazing how things work out…
Jennifer Kaufman
It really is amazing. Of course I “knew” I would love him dearly, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around having a boy instead of all girls. Little did I know just *how* incredible it would be!
FrozenOJ
I didn’t get to be pregnant very long, but I know I would have had gender disappointment if it had been a girl. I also know that there’s a good possibility I’d have a difficult, unenjoyable pregnancy, yet I still want that with every fiber of my being. So even as someone who often gets jealous of those with children I think it’s perfectly fine for you to feel those things. Hearing (or reading) them doesn’t make me angry. Just don’t start complaining to me about them when I’m having a bad day! :)
Jennifer Kaufman
Oh, how I loved reading your honest reply. I will never, ever forget how difficult it was to hear not just complaints but *anything* about pregnancy, etc when we were trying for ours through so much. I know some days just looking at moms and/or kids was so difficult! I think the thing that drives me most crazy is when people assume that someone must have had everything handed to them easily if they struggle with similar emotions in something so joyful. We never know what has shaped one another!
Thanks so much for stopping by! I hope this next phase of your IF journey goes wonderfully!