We have a "normal" life, but my kids are in therapy.

What is “normal”, anyway, right? You probably know what I mean, though. My kids have two loving parents who are married to one another. We live in a nice, safe, clean suburb with lots of local activities. We are very involved in a church and a lovely private school community where people truly care for one another like family. Our own families care for us like (great) family, too.

My children have three great grandparents living, and all of their grandparents. So it’s not quite the five generations I grew up with until an absurd age – but I’d say that’s pretty good. The closest they have experienced loss was when their first great grandparent, my grandfather, passed away almost two years ago, and the loss of their first dog before that. Regarding both, they understand the idea of sadness – ie, how much Grandma Shirley must miss Grandpa Charlie every day – but, for likely obvious reasons, it didn’t affect them much.

So… why therapy?

Honestly, two very different reasons. Despite being twins (fraternal, but with clearly the same bulk of genetic material and the same environment over time), my two oldest children couldn’t have more distinct personalities. With them, come two distinct sets of struggles.

My oldest tested off the charts with combined-type hyperactive/inattentive ADHD with anxiety. Goodness, there are stories and life lessons in this journey for a dozen posts, but that’s the gist.

My “middle child”, one minute younger than my first, is… well, she’s not as straightforward. She fits enough questionnaire bullet points for a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but her pediatrician, the psychologist, and everyone who knows her realizes that – if you look at the whole child – she simply doesn’t fit the picture. This is a child sweet as can be, remorseful when she hurts others (and never intent on doing so). A rule-follower.

{Can I just say here, as a bit of a side-note, how thankful I am for our doctors who understand how important it is to look at the whole child? This could have been a very quick, very “easy” slapped-on label, but one that simply would have been wrong – despite what a list and a score suggested. A label that my daughter may have carried with her the rest of her life. In a world so quick to pile on diagnoses – especially those of behavioral nature in children – this blessing is not lost on us.}

So we see Dr Bev some more. We talk about anxiety disorders and OCPD and other “conditions”. We talk about emotional lability and intermittent explosive disorder. But when we talk, we talk about ways to work through any issues 10x more than we talk about what they’re called or DSM-V codes.  Each girl has her own anger/anxiety plan, contracts, homework, etc. They love their time with the doctor, talking, coloring, playing…

I’ll admit – and this is why I’m writing today: on one hand, it is sometimes hard for me to make these repeat appointments. To have my two smart, well-rounded kids “in therapy”. It’s even harder for me to talk about it.

I often wrestle: Am I searching for a diagnosis in a “typical” child? Am I just a bad parent, unable to rein in my children? Am I just a lazy parent, looking for someone to make my job easier or give me an excuse?

Am I projecting my own neuroses on my six-year-olds?

That’s probably the one that scares me the most, because there is a little bit of truth to it. It isn’t so much projection though, as it is recognition. And for that reason, I sometimes feel the most “in control” of my impact on my childrens’ legacy when I seek help.  I know what a stronghold certain genetic predispositions can have on our behavior and thought processes. What I don’t know, is how to help an elementary school child grow up with them.

I’m not ever opposed to medication for children who need it – I have one of those. I’m not opposed to diagnoses, because they are needed. Strangely, in the mental health world, they are needed both more and less frequently.

What is far more important though, and something too many parents aren’t willing (or don’t know how) to do, is seeking to truly understand our children as individuals. To discover how they are wired. To determine the most effective forms of both discipline and encouragement, even if that looks different for different children in the same household.

To the parents of a gifted child… a child with learning difficulties… a child who says things like, “I want to die” or “Why does everyone hate me?”… the dangerously impulsive child or the explosive one that becomes violent with little warning.

To the parents of a child that isn’t exactly like either of mine, but still struggles…

You are not alone. Your child is not the only one, or even the most crazy 😉 It’s especially hard when you’re wired exactly like – or absolutely nothing like – your temperamental child. Trust me, I know. I am living both extremes at once.

But I truly believe we can get through this, with our children turning out better for it in the long run. And if this resonates with you? I think you’re one of the best parents around for being aware of your child’s individuality and unique needs. You’ll figure it out. Just keep loving them the best way you know how. 🙂