I sat curled up on a chair in a corner of our cold, unfinished basement, sobbing – simultaneously hoping my husband would come to my rescue and never find me there. It was just too much; I couldn’t do it anymore.
The truth is, “it” wasn’t too much for some people. It wasn’t even too much for the strong, independent, capable version of me that I had once known. But in this season, it was all too much.
Within a short time, he had found me. “Jen, what is going on?” he asked pointedly as he knelt down to my level to hold me tightly while I continued to cry. I calmed myself down enough to have one of our oh-so-familiar heart-to-heart conversations. He knew what had been going on – we both did, despite that I had tried to ignore it. I had been suffering from a very serious battle with post-partum depression; I think he was surprised to hear just how severe it had become.
I told him of times that it had crossed my mind to drive my car off a cliff (or since I rarely see cliffs here in the Midwest, just slam it into a wall). The times I looked to see what medications we had lying around that I could take to numb the (emotional) pain. We had talked for months about my getting back into regular counseling sessions, but I just couldn’t find the motivation.
“Jennifer. You need to work through this stuff in therapy. But I think you need more help than that – quicker help. I think you need to call Dr. Harper and talk to her even sooner.”
We talked for a while. I hated him for being right.
I have spent much of my life being an advocate for people with mental health problems – both as an RN and a family member and friend. I can spout off – and believe with all of my heart – all of the reasons it’s ok, even necessary, for people to seek help:
“It’s no different than if you had to take insulin for diabetes or something for hypertension.”
“It is important to have good coping skills – and yes, there are way too many people who want a magic pill to relieve all of life’s stresses – but there are also people whose brains truly need the help. That’s ok.”
“You might not be on it forever – and if you are, that’s ok, too.”
“It *is* often hardest for people like you – used to doing everything on your own, and succeeding at most of it. But it doesn’t mean you’ve failed – at anything.”
It was the hardest appointment I’ve ever kept. I began working with my internist on medication management of what is really a recurrent depressive disorder. So many times in years past I had found myself in the same place: not necessarily wanting to die, but feeling as if I had no reason to live – despite looking around and being able to see, right in front of me, some of the most incredible reasons. Times when it was all I could do to get out of bed to feed my children – realizing completely that if it weren’t for their dependence on me, I would have chosen to hide away for long periods of time, hardly caring if my life imploded.
On the right dose of an SSRI, my life has been different. I find pleasure again in things I once enjoyed. I can be a decent wife and mother. I sleep better and wake up better. It’s not a miracle cure, nor does it make me numb to life’s actual ups and downs. But my responses to them? They are much more under control, which allows me to pursue all of the other things God has in store for me and my family.
There’s more to the story, though. Medication controls my emotions and destructive thoughts, and keeps my family and me safe. It allows me to function. But even in this well-controlled place – maybe even more in this place – I wrestle with the deeper stuff. I struggle with acceptance, with fear, with disordered eating (a story for another day…). Sometimes that’s so frustrating. I’m doing so well, I think, now I really have no excuse not to pull myself out of this.
The truth is quite simple: we are not doing ourselves a favor by taking a pill every day (or working out harder or eating more chocolate or losing ourselves in a book or a movie) and then moving on without addressing our junk. I’ll take it to my grave, we all could use some help. Some of us could use a lot of it.
My story is messy. It’s a work in progress, but at least I know it’s worth the effort.
In the process, I’m learning just how amazing our God is. He can make beautiful things out of dust. His power really is made perfect in our weakness.
Holly
My best friend struggled with this and I think its an important topic to keep in front of people’s faces.
As for your story being messy– that’s the beauty of it. Everyone’s story is a beautiful mess and from it our lives can point to the wonderful glory of God. He brings us through the high waters, the hottest flames victorious. Thanks for being faithful to share your story.
Jennifer Kaufman
It is beautiful in the mess, isn’t it? I’m slowly learning to appreciate just that! Thank you for your encouraging comment!
Lizzi; Considerer (@LRConsiderer)
Great post this. Kudos to you for sharing it. I have a vaguely akin one coming up next week, which I hope will be well-received. There’s definitely room for more conversation about mental health and conditions thereof, in the Blogosphere – this is a great contribution.
Jennifer Kaufman
I can’t wait to read yours. Be sure and find me on twitter when you post!
Lizzi; Considerer (@LRConsiderer)
Great post this. Kudos to you for sharing it. I have a vaguely akin one coming up next week, which I hope will be well-received. There’s definitely room for more conversation about mental health and conditions thereof, in the Blogosphere – this is a great contribution.
Jennifer Kaufman
I can’t wait to read yours. Be sure and find me on twitter when you post!
Meredith
Most of all, depression LIES. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Meredith
Most of all, depression LIES. Thank you so much for sharing this!
thelastjar
Thank you for this.
Sarah
Thanks for sharing this! I love this line: “We are not doing ourselves a favor by taking a pill every day (or working out harder or eating more chocolate or losing ourselves in a book or a movie) and then moving on without addressing our junk.”
That is so true!!! It’s like mowing over weeds… they will grow back (often stronger than the first time). We need to dig to the root of the issue. For me, I had to dig to the root of my “stuff” before I found any true relief from the symptoms.
Jennifer Kaufman
I love love love this weed analogy! Thank you so much for sharing!
Sarah
Thanks for sharing this! I love this line: “We are not doing ourselves a favor by taking a pill every day (or working out harder or eating more chocolate or losing ourselves in a book or a movie) and then moving on without addressing our junk.”
That is so true!!! It’s like mowing over weeds… they will grow back (often stronger than the first time). We need to dig to the root of the issue. For me, I had to dig to the root of my “stuff” before I found any true relief from the symptoms.
Jennifer Kaufman
I love love love this weed analogy! Thank you so much for sharing!
Allen lawless
You are a pretty smart young lady.
Jennifer Kaufman
Good genes. 🙂
Allen lawless
You are a pretty smart young lady.
Jennifer Kaufman
Good genes. 🙂
Kim
<3 No matter what.
Kim
<3 No matter what.
healingandsurviving
I love you, friend. You know my thoughts on all of this, and our similarities in struggle. Talking, and sharing our stories is not only empowering and healing for us, but also for others. Thanks for putting this out there.
Jennifer Kaufman
Forever inspired by you, my dear friend. <3
healingandsurviving
I love you, friend. You know my thoughts on all of this, and our similarities in struggle. Talking, and sharing our stories is not only empowering and healing for us, but also for others. Thanks for putting this out there.
Jennifer Kaufman
Forever inspired by you, my dear friend. <3
Meredith
I tried to comment earlier and the interwebs ate it. I just wanted to say that most of all, depression LIES. I thank you so much for sharing this!
Jennifer Kaufman
Thank you so much for commenting! Your first one came, but only in part 🙂 It really is a liar, isn’t it?! It’s so important for us to remember to refute those lies with truths, even when (especially when!) we don’t feel them.
Meredith
I tried to comment earlier and the interwebs ate it. I just wanted to say that most of all, depression LIES. I thank you so much for sharing this!
Anita D. Sullivan
We are all messy, just in different ways and choosing to show our mess in different doses. Thank you for sharing your mess- I have a lot of my own, and share very little of it, but reading stories like you helps me open up more and more.
Jennifer Kaufman
Anita, this is exactly the chain of events that I think needs to happen. I have a friend who commented a bit earlier, and who has posted here before who has emboldened me to share a bit more of mine here and there. It’s terrifying at times, especially knowing people in real life will read it. It’s so good for all of us though, right?!
At the start conference, Jon put this idea of using our vulnerability to bless others in a very meaningful, succinct way: “Sharing your story first gives others the beautiful gift of going second.” I loved that.
Anita D. Sullivan
We are all messy, just in different ways and choosing to show our mess in different doses. Thank you for sharing your mess- I have a lot of my own, and share very little of it, but reading stories like you helps me open up more and more.
Jennifer Kaufman
Anita, this is exactly the chain of events that I think needs to happen. I have a friend who commented a bit earlier, and who has posted here before who has emboldened me to share a bit more of mine here and there. It’s terrifying at times, especially knowing people in real life will read it. It’s so good for all of us though, right?!
At the start conference, Jon put this idea of using our vulnerability to bless others in a very meaningful, succinct way: “Sharing your story first gives others the beautiful gift of going second.” I loved that.
sherrirenee
He truly can bring beauty out of ashes. I am learning more and more how common it is to suffer with some sort of mental illness. It is a journey and a process and so many people are afraid to ask for help. Thank you for sharing! I think sharing so openly does wonders for helping to erase the stigma of mental illness in the church and in society. Thank YOU for being part of that! <3
Jennifer Kaufman
Thank you for your encouraging comment! I’ve been so inspired by your honesty with your story as well, Sherri!
sherrirenee
He truly can bring beauty out of ashes. I am learning more and more how common it is to suffer with some sort of mental illness. It is a journey and a process and so many people are afraid to ask for help. Thank you for sharing! I think sharing so openly does wonders for helping to erase the stigma of mental illness in the church and in society. Thank YOU for being part of that! <3
Jennifer Kaufman
Thank you for your encouraging comment! I’ve been so inspired by your honesty with your story as well, Sherri!
Courtney
I can totally relate to this post. In fact, I was so thankful to read it because it was like reading my own journal from this past year! I had had a few difficult and stressful months during the winter, but things took a terrible turn when I had a fertility shot in February and began having daily (sometimes hourly) anxiety attacks and extreme depression. I had never experienced any of this before, so it was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. I would not wish those feelings on anyone. I had been told by a physician that these symptoms would go away after 2-4 weeks, but that didn’t happen. (I have since learned that because my family has a long history of struggles with anxiety and depression, there was probably something genetically predisposed in me that was triggered by the shot.) The worst thing about all of this is that I felt terrible and hopeless, but I didn’t know why. You know it’s irrational, but you can’t talk or hope (or even pray) your way out of it.
These terrible days of intense, irrational fear and sadness went on for several miserable, nightmarish months before I decided to go and see a counselor. Counseling was a wonderful and helpful venture, and I was so thankful for it. However, during one particularly difficult session, my counselor told me in a very straightforward way that I really needed to take an SSRI, at least for a time. I was surviving and getting through days, but I had very little hope, I didn’t really have the capacity to feel joy, and I could barely even eat. (For me, not being able to eat is extremely unusual!)
I kept begging God every day to help me and heal me, and kept thinking that if I just “muscled through” I would be OK. I do believe God was with me, encouraging me and keeping me alive, but I also know that he has allowed us to discover these types of medications for a reason. I was very scared about side effects, as I had already taken a different medication after my initial extreme anxiety, and I had an allergic reaction to it. I also took a stronger, short-term med a few times and was warned that I could become addicted if I took it for very long. So medicine made me nervous! However, I was at the point where I knew that something was chemically wrong with me. My mind wasn’t functioning in the normal way it used to. It was like being inside someone else’s brain, which was absolutely terrifying!
When I first started taking the SSRI, I actually felt worse for about 4-5 weeks, which was very scary. (The doctor had warned me that the first few weeks might be rough.) BUT after that five-week mark, I finally felt peace for the first time in months. This was an exquisite feeling, something I can’t quite put into words. I basically felt like a normal human being again, instead of feeling a terrible mix of extremely sad, extremely fearful, and irrationally imbalanced. The meds I take are definitely not “happy pills.” They are “help-me-feel-a-normal-range-of-emotion-so-I-don’t-want-to-die” pills. I thank God every day for my SSRI, as it has been an absolute life-saver.
Thank you for sharing your story!! It has made me even more ready to share mine. I’m glad I don’t have to go through this without encouragement from others who have experienced the same thing. It’s sometimes hard to discuss this issue in Christian circles, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the kindness and compassion I’ve experienced in sharing my story so far. I hope you feel the same way!!
Jennifer Kaufman
Courtney, seriously. I have no idea where to begin, other than to say once again – thank you, thank you, thank you for your post. When you write this sort of stuff for the world to see, it’s easier – at least for me- to broadcast it to the world but hope that people you know in real life don’t see it. That’s silly, because those are the people God has place in our lives in 3D to form a real community, right?! Still, as Ben spoke so aptly on this weekend – it’s much more tempting to manage our image than to let people see what’s really going on.
You have so beautifully described much of my experience as well – the desire to muscle through, the fear of side effects, the feeling of being in someone else’s brain… and the return to “normalcy”- not unnatural euphoria, but balance – after actually working through the things we have available to us for our healing.
I can’t wait to get together… we have so much more to discuss 😉
Thank you again.
Courtney
I can totally relate to this post. In fact, I was so thankful to read it because it was like reading my own journal from this past year! I had had a few difficult and stressful months during the winter, but things took a terrible turn when I had a fertility shot in February and began having daily (sometimes hourly) anxiety attacks and extreme depression. I had never experienced any of this before, so it was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. I would not wish those feelings on anyone. I had been told by a physician that these symptoms would go away after 2-4 weeks, but that didn’t happen. (I have since learned that because my family has a long history of struggles with anxiety and depression, there was probably something genetically predisposed in me that was triggered by the shot.) The worst thing about all of this is that I felt terrible and hopeless, but I didn’t know why. You know it’s irrational, but you can’t talk or hope (or even pray) your way out of it.
These terrible days of intense, irrational fear and sadness went on for several miserable, nightmarish months before I decided to go and see a counselor. Counseling was a wonderful and helpful venture, and I was so thankful for it. However, during one particularly difficult session, my counselor told me in a very straightforward way that I really needed to take an SSRI, at least for a time. I was surviving and getting through days, but I had very little hope, I didn’t really have the capacity to feel joy, and I could barely even eat. (For me, not being able to eat is extremely unusual!)
I kept begging God every day to help me and heal me, and kept thinking that if I just “muscled through” I would be OK. I do believe God was with me, encouraging me and keeping me alive, but I also know that he has allowed us to discover these types of medications for a reason. I was very scared about side effects, as I had already taken a different medication after my initial extreme anxiety, and I had an allergic reaction to it. I also took a stronger, short-term med a few times and was warned that I could become addicted if I took it for very long. So medicine made me nervous! However, I was at the point where I knew that something was chemically wrong with me. My mind wasn’t functioning in the normal way it used to. It was like being inside someone else’s brain, which was absolutely terrifying!
When I first started taking the SSRI, I actually felt worse for about 4-5 weeks, which was very scary. (The doctor had warned me that the first few weeks might be rough.) BUT after that five-week mark, I finally felt peace for the first time in months. This was an exquisite feeling, something I can’t quite put into words. I basically felt like a normal human being again, instead of feeling a terrible mix of extremely sad, extremely fearful, and irrationally imbalanced. The meds I take are definitely not “happy pills.” They are “help-me-feel-a-normal-range-of-emotion-so-I-don’t-want-to-die” pills. I thank God every day for my SSRI, as it has been an absolute life-saver.
Thank you for sharing your story!! It has made me even more ready to share mine. I’m glad I don’t have to go through this without encouragement from others who have experienced the same thing. It’s sometimes hard to discuss this issue in Christian circles, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the kindness and compassion I’ve experienced in sharing my story so far. I hope you feel the same way!!
Jennifer Kaufman
Courtney, seriously. I have no idea where to begin, other than to say once again – thank you, thank you, thank you for your post. When you write this sort of stuff for the world to see, it’s easier – at least for me- to broadcast it to the world but hope that people you know in real life don’t see it. That’s silly, because those are the people God has place in our lives in 3D to form a real community, right?! Still, as Ben spoke so aptly on this weekend – it’s much more tempting to manage our image than to let people see what’s really going on.
You have so beautifully described much of my experience as well – the desire to muscle through, the fear of side effects, the feeling of being in someone else’s brain… and the return to “normalcy”- not unnatural euphoria, but balance – after actually working through the things we have available to us for our healing.
I can’t wait to get together… we have so much more to discuss 😉
Thank you again.
nataliedeyoung
I agree – we are all messy, but it sure makes for strong, beautiful lives in the end. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story.
Jennifer Kaufman
Thank you for your sweet encouragement! Our stories really do make life beautiful!
nataliedeyoung
I agree – we are all messy, but it sure makes for strong, beautiful lives in the end. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story.
Jennifer Kaufman
Thank you for your sweet encouragement! Our stories really do make life beautiful!
taratalkstoomuch
Our stories become so much more than our private pain when we share them with others in a way that sets them free to understand us better, to understand themselves better, to get help or to help someone else. Thank you so much, you have done just that and beautifully!
Jennifer Kaufman
Thank you so much, Tara! You have captured the essence of what I hope we can all do by sharing our stories.
taratalkstoomuch
Our stories become so much more than our private pain when we share them with others in a way that sets them free to understand us better, to understand themselves better, to get help or to help someone else. Thank you so much, you have done just that and beautifully!
misssrobin
Your story is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. It matters.
I struggle with chronic depression. I have never found a medication that works for me, although I have tried many. I have a problem with self-injurious behavior and sedatives. I went to bed for a year and a half when my five kids were between 2 and 9. My husband had no idea what to do. It was a very difficult time. I still have difficult times, but since I went to therapy a few years ago it’s gotten much better. I’ve learned so many other skills and faced a lot of my demons. I’m in an off place right now. Your post helped. Thank you again.
Stopping by from SITS. May you find the light again soon.
Jennifer Kaufman
Thank you for your comment. To be truthful, I am so often thankful that my first medication seems to be working wonderfully, at least for the time being. I have a dear friend and another family member who have gone through the wringer trying to find something that works. I’m glad you’re able to find some good days with therapy and other skills. Good luck to you as you continue your journey!
April
Hello this is april from the start experiment…you left a kin comment on my blog a few days ago and I have finally gotten around to finding yours…that you for sharing so well what is such an important topic, medication…there are some whose brains legit need meds to function…and there is nothing to be ashamed about…if you ever wanted to do a blog swap where I talk about something mental health on your and you talk about something mental health online I think that might be something to think about…well I am in bed typing this on my phone so if it doesn’t make any sense I blame being tired 🙂
Tracie
I fight this battle with depression. Right now I’m not on medication, but I have been in the past. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you for sharing your story so openly.
Tracie
I fight this battle with depression. Right now I’m not on medication, but I have been in the past. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you for sharing your story so openly.
Heather Lian
What a touching story! I, too, have suffered from PPD. I turned to alcohol…long story short, it’s much better to get medical help than to try to deal with it on your own. It takes a brave soul to share a story like this. Thanks.
Heather Lian
What a touching story! I, too, have suffered from PPD. I turned to alcohol…long story short, it’s much better to get medical help than to try to deal with it on your own. It takes a brave soul to share a story like this. Thanks.
Jennifer Kaufman
Thanks so much for stopping by! I absolutely understand your sentiment about dealing with it on your own – and how destructive it can be. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story, too.
[email protected]
girl all i want to say is you are NOT alone. we are here walking the same path as you supporting each other. knowing that we can do this together. thanks for sharing your heart.
Jennifer Kaufman
Thanks for stopping by! It’s such a wonderful community when we can share the broken parts of our lives as well as the whole parts, and all go through them together 🙂
[email protected]
girl all i want to say is you are NOT alone. we are here walking the same path as you supporting each other. knowing that we can do this together. thanks for sharing your heart.
Jennifer Kaufman
Thanks for stopping by! It’s such a wonderful community when we can share the broken parts of our lives as well as the whole parts, and all go through them together 🙂